Divorced Women Find Your Voice

How many of you have the question floating around at the edges of your mind: “Will I ever get a second chance?”

Is there a tagline to that which reads: “Do I really deserve to have one?” After all, I messed up – I’m old, overweight, I have kids and baggage, who is going to want me with my tribe? What are my chances? My time is running out!!!!

Here’s the deal ladies: You are back and better than ever!! Not only in spite of your baggage but because of it! It is only through suffering that people transform. Bad things don’t happen for a reason but we can certainly make the most out of bad situations. Armed with deepened powers of empathy, you have learned how resilient you are, that you have a divine spirit that cannot be broken. You now have a life story, wisdom, and more sexuality than any 20 year old girl could even comprehend.

So why so down? Why so confused? You simply may not be in touch with your personal power. What you have been in touch with is your gremlin or inner critic. He or she has gotten a hold of you and of your voice.

You are not alone here. Everybody has a self-sabotaging voice that evolves as a result of our reactions to the words, attitudes, and behavior of parents, grandparents, teachers far back from our childhood. These sabotaging thoughts get compounded by more recent experiences as well. We are complicated beings made up of many parts, facets, and personalities. The good news is that we all have control over our gremlins. He’s really a wuss when you learn how and when to confront him.

Here’s the way this creature operates. Your gremlin disguises him, her or themselves and masquerades as your friend with your best interest at heart. He is very crafty in bringing you down and keeping you in your “safe” box which is really more like a coffin. Since the gremlin originated in childhood, with a purpose of keeping you safe, it is mostly telling you not to take chances. At one time this was useful, but then he or she (or they) got out of control. That’s why it is easy to confuse this with your inner voice. Newsflash – he/she is NOT your inner voice. The gremlin warnings are often accompanied by a good deal of fear, whereas your inner voice or intuition does not come with this major alarm system (unless you need to be in fight or flight which in that case RUUUUUUN!!!)

Nothing stirs up the gremlin more than stepping out of your comfort zone, taking a risk, making a change, committing to a courageous act. The gremlin likes to keep things the same; flat, dead, and unexciting. Therefore, moving toward positive purposeful transformation makes him or her absolutely nuts!

Notice your gremlin when he or she speaks or whispers in your ear, “you’re not good enough, pretty, skinny, smart, young enough – you are just NOT ENOUGH!!!” Pay attention to when your gremlin shows up and what form he/she takes. Where do you feel this monster in your body? Is it in the pit of your stomach? Your chest, head, neck, or generalized all around you? Is it a cloud hanging over you? I encourage you to write this down – describe emotion associated with the creature’s appearance. Draw a picture of your Gremlin could be very cool!

We all are the sum of our parts. It’s important to notice our parts, stand apart from them, and realize we are not them; we are not one part. On the contrary, we are far greater than the sum of “parts.” When you separate yourself as the observer, the gremlin becomes something comical, pathetic, we almost feel sorry for this inner critic, and this disempowers him. Welcome and make friends with your saboteur as a part of you because he/she is here to stay! You just need to learn how to deal.

Here are some ways to get some objectivity around the gremlin:

1. Journal what he looks, feels and sounds like.

2. Give him a name

3. Write down each time he appears during the day and what he says

4. Call his bluff – tell him you already know what he will say (blah, blah, blah)

5. Notice how you are the observer and not your gremlin

6. Now step forward as YOU and not your gremlin and speak from that voice

7. Notice the possibilities that open up for you.

Now take a step forward – you do not have to see the whole staircase, just the first step. Notice how you find your true inner voice and neutralize your gremlin’s. Now speak – what is it that you really really really want!

I invite you to use the sheet on this page to analyze and neutralize your self sabotaging voice: Write each statement your gremlin makes as you notice it and then write the truth. SHAKE UP YOUR GREMLIN – PICK UP A PEN (don’t listen to your gremlin screaming right now) really do it!!
   GREMLIN                                                                                 MY AUTHENTIC VOICE

Please email your stories, observations, wins, and challenges  – – I would LOVE to hear from you  – – We are all in this together!

Cyndi Stein-Rubin

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